Un momento

Lady Gaga's bad romance blasts through my old busted headphones as I inspect the city from behind my 16 peso pink rimmed sunglasses. I have always been told that I'm a slow walker, but in this moment I'm outpacing the locals. There's a pair of chattering girls with matching lip rings chattering at a rate I will never understand, but I feel their eyes tracing me. It's hard to discern whether they approve of my bold fashion choice of an oversized t shirt that reads "despues de todo, no somos tan differentes" paired with tights and faux leather boots. Maybe they are thinking I should have skipped the free galletita that came with my cafe americano. Maybe they are hoping I get a phone call so they can determine my nationality via my butchered spanish. Maybe they think my life consists of eating hotdogs, watching the simpsons and spending frivolously. Maybe they're lesbians. With every person I pass, a new reel of possible insecurities could present itsself if I allowed myself to focus on the trivial. Speculation about peoples perception of me lasts a millisecond for every minute that it used to.

Someone told me that during this trip, I would change into a completely different person without realizing it. I catch myself thinking about this quote in spanish and am weirded out momentarily by the linguistic fluidity of my thoughts. I pass by the same set of brightly painted stores, kiosks, heladerias and buildings that held my attention so tightly at first without a second thought. My pace slows a bit as Alejandro comes on after Bad Romance but I continue the walk home on autopilot. In a city that has over a half of a million people, I know exactly where I am. I have shed the nickname la perdida (the lost one)

I am striking a strange balance between trying not to stand out as a foreigner and not changing integral parts of my personality. If I want to wear bright pink earrings and drink my fernets with coca lite instead of regular, I will. I don't want to erase my individuality but I don't want to represent my culture in a negative way. I don't want to be a muted version of my outrageous self, but rather a universal version of myself. I was worried that my personality wouldn't translate here. I now think that with time, anything can translate well enough. It's all about trying to understand the context.

For every moment I've been frustrated to the point of tears there has been one filled with joy beyond anything I've known before. I have always considered myself to be a person of extremes. Changing countries has only intensified the volitility of my mood in the short run...perhaps this is something I can correct about myself.

I am fighting insecurities I never knew I had. I am seeing strength in places where I thought only weakness existed. I am surprising myself.

In a city that contains a half a million people, I know exactly where I am. Learning.